How To Be

I was initially going to entitle this “How To Be Okay” but then I realized that when it comes down to it, on the days when I can’t even pull off being okay, all I can do is just be. 

Not to be dramatic, or pessimistic, but none of us ever got a choice regarding our existence - our being. We were all born, and from then on, we would all be. We would be until we ceased to live, at which point, we would be no more.

The only part over which we have any control is when we will be no more. As many of you know, I struggle with depression. I have struggled with suicidal ideations in the past, and in those moments, I had three things that kept me alive:

- Fear that it would hurt to die

- Curiosity as to why God still chose to keep me alive

- Sheer stubbornness.

The only way we can continue to be in those moments when we question our worth, and we question whether it is worth it to keep on going, is to never give up. Just keep going. Just be. (Someone should put that on a T-shirt... I might put that on a T-shirt.) Don’t let anyone take that away from you. No negative comments. No horrible trauma. No huge life mistake. Not even you! You were out here on this earth to be. To be you. To be here. Your life is a unique opportunity, given to no one but you. 

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I have done years of therapy, for various reasons, and one thing that I have gained overall is a better understanding of myself. I now know what I need in order to keep on keeping on, and to not resent my being here without any choice in the matter. My therapist called it a self care tool kit. It started off as a physical thing. A box. I was told to put things in it that make me happy, make me feel safe, and help me get physically grounded when my anxiety is removing my grip on reality. I was told to fill it with notes from friends. Write down things that people have said about me that made me feel uplifted and confident. Compliments. A list of things that I like about myself. That I am good at. Pictures of people who make my heart smile. Pictures of my cats.

I eventually got more personal with it, and I expanded my tool kit from being just a box, to having little things in all the places that I frequent. I like to feed the ducks, so I keep bird seed in my car. I also like bird watching, so I have binoculars in my car, too. I keep a rain jacket, and a pair of boots in my trunk, so that I can go for a walk in the rain, if I suddenly feel the need to get outside. I carry bubbles in my daughter's diaper bag - for both of us - I find they can help stave off her tantrums, and I enjoy blowing them out the car window when I am stuck in traffic. It makes the other drivers smile :)   I also have Joy Jars - one for every year since 2016.  I write down the little moments of joy that I experience, and I write them on sticky notes that go in the jars.  I also write these things down in my phone, so that I can take them with me wherever I go.

Sometimes there are days when none of that stuff helps.  All the positive self talk in the world won't change how I feel in those moments.  So, I wait.  I acknowledge my feelings as they come, and I allow myself to fully experience them.  I don't deny them.  I allow them to happen, and when I do, they can run their course more quickly - unhindered - so that I can get back to being "me" sooner.

When your arsenal of tools doesn’t cut it, and when all of your best efforts to feel okay fall flat, just know that it is okay. Just. Be. When we were born, all that was required of each of us was that we just be. When we have those moments when we are stripped down to the emotional strength of infants, we need to be kind to ourselves, and allow ourselves to just be. Free of judgment. Free of expectation. It will only be temporary, but don’t put pressure on yourself in those moments. In order for you to get anywhere in life, you need to start at the very beginning. At the very foundation of your life. Build out from there. Storms will come. Maybe the walls will get torn down, and you may find yourself back at the foundation again. Back at square one. That’s okay. Your foundation is still there.  YOU are still there.

All that is required of you to be on this planet as a living human being is to just be. Everything else that follows after that is just extra. Your value is not in who you are after all of your accomplishments. Your value is simply in the fact that you are. This is why we celebrate when a baby is born. Has that baby done anything? No. We celebrate the very fact that they exist. You are here. You were born. That value will never go away. 

I cannot end this post without mentioning Shakespeare.  Honestly, who of you read this title, "How To Be" and didn't automatically think of it?  Shakespeare asks, through Hamlet's soliloquy, a famous question - "To be or not to be?" He states that this is the question.  He goes on to contemplate the trials of life, and whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer them all, or to brave the unknown of what comes on the other side of this life.  I have faith that on the other side of this Earthly life, I will go to an eternal life, where many good things await me.  Even still, as much as I may yearn for all my tears to be wiped away, and all my burdens lifted, I do not take lightly this life which I have been given.  I choose to honour God's choice to keep me here, and until my last day comes, I choose to do His will.  I choose to be.

Thanks for "listening"